This is Shannon Nash, the author of our fourth and final entry on chapter 7. She is with her brother, and their parents took this when they were cleaning their garage. You've got to appreciate the things children will find for play!
My apologies to Shannon for taking so long to get her entry posted here. She turned it in the week before we left for Spring Break, and though I'd hoped to get it posted then, I actually ended up taking a break...and not logging on here at all! But Spring Break's over, so we're back...and I think Shannon's entry will get you right back in the spirit of Elkind's work, as she did a great job.
Shannon wrote:
Chapter seven is about how children learn to be social. I was a little bit surprised at how many different ways children learn to interact socially. Family plays the biggest role in socializing children. Elkind pointed out the ways that different theorists think children are socialized. He used examples from Bandura, Skinner, Piaget, and Freud. Elkind also talked about different kinds of contracts between parents and their children. These contracts are created through trust, and if they are broken by the parents, children feel betrayed.
The first contract is a parent-child contract. This one is when the parents mediate for the child in his or her social situations. This is interesting to me. Growing up, you never realize why your parents are doing the things they do, why you get punished for something you thought was not really a big deal, or why your friends get to stay out later than you. When you are young and in the moment, it is hard to notice that your parents are just looking out for you. The parent-child contract helps children construct their society. Every time my parents told me, “ No,” growing up, I thought they were mean and just did not want me to have any fun. In reality, they were helping me construct my society. I look back now and realize that they were right most of the time. There are times when certain things are alright to do, and times when they are not. Being older and having more knowledge, they realized that, while I did not.
The second contract is freedom-responsibility. The parents use this contract to gain trust and give trust. If a child is responsible, she will get more freedom. For instance, if a child gets her homework done before dinner, she can stay up late to watch her favorite show. It is a give-and-take type of contract. I think this contract is important because it helps a child learn to be responsible. I do that with myself now. I am not allowed to turn on my television at night unless all my homework is done. I know it is a distraction to me so I have to set those boundaries. In children’s lives, parents set those boundaries and have to stick to them in order to teach the child responsibility.
Another contract proposed by Elkind is achievement and support. This is when a child is participating in something that he loves and the parent supports the child’s decision. An example of this would be participating on a sports team. The way the parents show support is to go to the child’s games and cheer him on. This type of support is very important in how the child succeeds in that particular activity. When I was in high school, I was on the swim team and every time I had a swim meet, my dad would leave work early to come watch me. My mom worked part time so she was always able to be there, but either way, I had her support. My brother played baseball all his life so I spent many days and nights at the baseball fields watching him play. When I was on the swim team, he had moved about six hours away to go to college. I always gave him a hard time because he never came to my meets while I spent most of my life watching him play baseball.
Those are a few examples of some of Elkind’s contracts. Reading these contracts really tells you how a child can be hurried. Putting pressure on children to perform is happening more and more these days. Children have so much to live for, but they are only hurried along by their societies and always having to be the best at something. Going back to my swim team days, even though my parents supported me in every meet, and wanted me to do well and win my races, they did not care if I came in first place or last place. They knew that I was happy swimming. Even I did not care about the competition. I just loved being in the water. I was very fortunate to have parents who did not push me to do better or go faster; they were happy just knowing I was happy. I feel that more parents need to be this way and to just support their children, not make them become more than they really wanted.
Shannon, You were very fortunate to have parents who supported your enjoyment of swimming without pushing you to perfection. Of all the parent-child contracts, the one I feel is overly harmful when violated is the Achievement and Support contract. Our society is leading parents to push their children too hard to achieve success in all they endeavor or feel like failures for not doing so; in addition to the pressure of having to succeed, children are expected to find that success in too many areas. It is no longer accepted to be an exceptional student, athlete, or musician. Children are pushed to be great at everything they try, and in an extremely short amount of time. The days of taking time to learn are no longer valued. If a child makes a mistake it is considered a catastrophe instead of a learning experience. Parents feel the pressure to have perfect children, and instead of allowing children to feel achievement through trial and error, they pass on the pressure to make children feel like they have to be perfect. The problem with that is a child cannot appreciate the true joy of success if they have not felt the disappointment of failure with support and encouragement to try again.
ReplyDelete~ Annette Cipolla
I agree with Shannon’s view of support. When parents provide guidance, it helps the child achieved and become confident. It is very important that the child feels confident when learning and performing new tasks. With confidence they are able to perform better and develop new skills. Children also have a greater chance to acquire more knowledge that would help them better their skills. When the parent provides support to their child, it’s more likely that that child will accomplish his goals and aspirations in life. A good example of this would be participation in school events. When the parent participates in the child’s activities in school, the parent is able to provide guidance and support. When I was in second grade, my class and I took a field trip to the Monterey Aquarium. My mother volunteered to go as a chaperon to help guide my classmates. I was very excited because I had never gone to the aquarium. I also felt secure because my mother was going to be there for support.
ReplyDeleteAglaed Garcia
Shannon,
ReplyDeleteI agree with a lot of the statements you made. Children are being pushed too quickly and are feeling neglected if they do something wrong. Children can tell when parents are disappointed in them and it stays with them. Too many parents are expecting their children to be good at what they do the first time around. If a child does not succeed, some parents and society may make them feel like a failure. I can relate to your parents supporting you in swimming because my parents, as well, put me in different sports and supported me with whatever made me happy. This is how I wish that society were today: not pushing children straight to feeling like failures, but i encourage them to pick their head up when they do not succeed, and try again.
-Kristen Bergmann
Before my daughter was even born me and my friends would sit and talk about what activities we wanted our kids to be part of. This was mainly because our own parents had placed us in various sports or practice instruments. I now have second thoughts because of this chapter. This chapter makes me want to wait until my daughter finds something that she is interested in on her own and then I would support her. These social contracts have to be reciprocal, so if I was to force something on her that she didn’t like it could weaken our bond. I don’t want to hurry her or force her to do something she doesn’t want to. So I’ll encourage her to try new things and let her know that she has my support whether she succeeds or fails.
ReplyDeleteHi Shannon!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post after responding to Elkind's chapter for myself. I agree with Annette that parents oftentimes get off track when they violate the achievement and success contract. Reading your post, I noticed a correlation to statements from other students in our class whose parents did not violate this contract, but respected it just as your parents did. For all of the students in our class who were athletic and involved during their childhood, I must admit how pleasantly surprised I was by the positive support your parents gave you. Also, I think this may even be a result of the loyalty contract we have with our parents (even now in adulthood!). This business of parents forming lasting contracts with their children has definitely made me start thinking of the numerous ramifications that positive support versus negative violations have on the parent-child relationship. Lastly, just like Tianna, I have thought about the type of ramifications I desire to achieve when I have children in the future.