This is Brittany Slaven, the author of our first (of four!) entries on chapter 7. She's being social here with her maternal grandfather near his home in Tahoe, and though snowmobiling is obviously fun...
...it's not NEARLY as fun as jumping off the snowmobile to make snow angels! Brittany said that these winter vacations have left her with "memories that will last a lifetime!" When you read her entry below, I think you'll see that Elkind's work has been motivating Brittany to think a lot about her childhood -- and I'm confident you'll appreciate her thoughts!
Brittany wrote:
In the chapter, “Learning to be Social,” Elkind states that there are four main ways for a family to socialize a child. I think it takes a combination of all four to socialize a child. But in particular, I believe that children “model” adult behavior and learn to be social in that way more often than the other ways described. It is obvious that children learn by example. Good or bad, children seem to pick up everything.
Elkind places a great deal of importance on parent-child contracts. Within those contracts, achievement and support really stuck in my mind. As a preteen and teenager, I remember being one of those “enmeshed in achievement overloaded” children whom Elkind mentioned on page 151. I was a gymnast for 17 years and competed for over nine of those years, working out over 25 hours a week. I was also very active in cheerleading, dance, leadership, 4-H and FFA, all while being a full time student. My parents wanted my brother and me to have the complete experience and enjoy it all. Looking back at those times, I was a very busy child. My brother and I both felt the pressure to be perfect, even though this was not my parents’ intention. They meant well signing us up for all the activities. If they would have known the kind of pressure we were under, I am sure they would have felt just awful. My aunt and uncle are much younger than my parents, and they were normally the people I would vent to about the stress and pressure to fulfill that goal of being the “perfect “daughter. Since then, many years have passed and they have had two daughters of their own. Their girls are active in a few activities, but it is still fresh in their minds how stressful it was for my brother and me, so they are going a different route in raising their girls.
Later in the chapter Elkind brought up a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately. He stated that there is an obligation for children to be loyal to their parents, since the parents supported the children and raised them. This section of the chapter answered a lot of my questions about a friend and her relationship, or lack thereof, with her parents. Before she was 18, she was out of the house. This was partially her decision, but she wasn’t living by her parents’ rules, and it was “their way or the highway.” For a while, I just assumed that she was going through a crazy teenager rebellious phase. After reading this section, I could better understand where she is coming from. She is the oldest child of three; there is a three-and-a-half-year gap between all three siblings. Being the oldest child, she was expected to help her parents when they needed help with the younger sister and brother. The family does well to help each other out, but the youngest has Down Syndrome and requires a lot of extra attention that the girls don’t receive. Somewhere along the way, my friend must have felt that she wasn’t as important as her younger siblings, hence the lack of obligation to the family now. As Elkind stated, damage that is done in the early childhood years often leads to consequences much later in life, most likely in adolescence.
In conclusion, “The Hurried Child” is allowing me to draw a lot of conclusions about my life experiences, many of which I may have never realized or understood, and I am excited to see what else Elkind helps me discover about life.
Brittany,
ReplyDeleteThe pictures you submitted alongside the blog, makes me WANT to love the snow. Unfortunately, I do not get along with cold weather and therefore Snow is not my closest friend. Funny...neither is the heat. I need a happy medium! Spring possibly? I enjoyed reading your respond to Elkind's idea of socialization in children. Modeling behavior they witness is a definite form of socialization in children. I remember when I was younger I would watch my mom put makeup on and get ready for work in the mornings. When I was about 6, my mom was having trouble with my younger sister and was attempting to get her ready for Church, so she told me to go put on the clothes she laid out for me on the bed. I walked out of HER room with pounds of make up on, beaded necklaces, one red and one brown high heal, and my moms night gown on. She took one look at me and said she was going to wear the exact same outfit and I needed to go put on my church clothes.
I idolized my mom as a child and would do a lot of the behaviors she would do, good or bad! My mom smokes, and I would take my sucker and pretend to smoke as well. She would always tell me that it was a filthy habit and if she ever caught me smoking she would kick me here to Timbuktu! So no matter the action, children will mock and reenact the behaviors they witness from the people they spend the greatest amount of time with.
I applaud you for all of the activities you engaged in during your childhood. Although you seemed to find a happy balance, it must have been stressful at many times. Children need to find the balance within their homes, and need to be able to find support from their parents rather than pressure that remains consistent in the lives of children.
I completely understand what you are saying. Reading this made a lot of things from my life make a little more sense. I was just like you as a child. It seemed if there was something my brother and I could be a part of, we were. I think our parents do this for us because they want us to be happy. Why not try every sport out there? We might never know what we love today if they had not made (or let) us participate in all those extracurricular activities.
ReplyDeleteKnowing your situation with the family discussed, it really does help to shed new light on the situation they had. Especially being in a family where a disability is present, I can only imagine the pressure it would put on an older sibling. I think there are many things that we are learning about now that was so frustrating to us when we were growing up. I never understood why my parents did most of the things they did when I was younger, but now that I am older, I realize that they were right pretty much all the time. I guess that is how we know we are growing up!
Shannon Nash
Britney, you did a great job addressing what Elkind had to say in this chapter. I am sorry that as a child, you and your brother felt a lot of stress growing up with the activities you were involved in. Obviously, it was not your parents’ intentions to over schedule both of you, but instead they wanted the two of you to enjoy the activities. I believe some parents just do not realize the importance of allowing children to simply be children. For example, my boyfriend’s cousins are “overscheduled” children. From a very young age, his cousins were involved in many sports. They were constantly busy with games with every sport they played, including the extra tournaments on weekends and during breaks. I personally feel that they, like you Britney, feel the need to please their parents and be perfect in everything they participated in. It saddens me because I see how tired they are sometimes when we have family gatherings. Although, I understand that extracurricular activities are great for many reasons but if children are feeling overwhelmed or unhappy, then maybe parents need to ease off…
ReplyDeleteLal Koeum
Brit,
ReplyDeleteI love looking at your snow pictures; they make me want to be in the mountains. First off let me tell you how impressed I am with the time and effort you put into gymnastics. You seem like you were quiet the wonder child and did it all. My parents also put me into many different activities. I was never allowed to be one of those children who sit around, play video games and watch TV. Parents try and put their children in many activities because they feel like it will better them later on. While activities may help children with their social skills and to be a team player, the stress could be overwhelming. Children feel as if they need to make their parents happy and that could be overwhelming for someone so young.
Kristen Bergmann
Brittany,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your photos with us. Wow, I cannot believe all the different activities you were in through out the years. That must have been fun, but as you stated a lot of pressure. It is interesting to know that this happened when you were growing up because I thought it was more with today’s families and children then say a decade or so ago. None of my friends had as many activities as you did. I was involved in a lot, but it was because I wanted to and I could have quit at any time.
-Rena Fields