Second Entry on Chapter 7: Learning to Be Social

Grace Wilhelm has contributed our second entry on chapter 7, and I'll let her tell you about the childhood photo she selected. She wrote that this is "one of my favorites- such a classic picture of our personalities as kids. My older sister (on the left) was always posing and 'perfect', my twin (in the middle) was a very mischievous but funny girl, and then I just hung out with everyone. Oh, and I think we were camping somewhere, which is still our favorite family vacation!"
With all those girls in the family AND family camping vacations, Grace clearly had plenty of time to learn to be social, without being hurried. She's done a terrific job of addressing Elkind's ideas about what children need to learn to be social, so read on and see what you think.

Grace wrote:
I was initially unaware of the socialization ramifications that arise from parenting hurried children. I enjoyed Elkind’s inclusion of different theories in the first section of the chapter. Moreover, I also believe that the family unit, through a combination of many factors, largely socializes children; children develop socially through “‘modeling’ adult behavior” (p. 142), “behavior modification…of rewards and punishment,” “social cognition” (understanding rules), and “identification and internalization” (p. 143). After further reading, I began to agree with Elkind’s contract theory. I wholeheartedly believe the many nuances of expectations parents have for their children are largely unspoken. However, children soak up both spoken and unspoken rules although they may not always immediately model the behavior of their parent or caregiver.

One silly example that I immediately remembered comes from one of my favorite movies. In Baby Mama, Amy Poehler’s character Angie acts very obnoxiously and childishly even as an adult. Unable to open a baby-proofed toilet, Angie proceeds to do her business in the sink. After being caught by her friend, she claims that she didn’t know she was “breaking a rule.” This scene is particularly funny because of this preposterous statement. Children are taught to use the toilet and maintain cleanliness at young ages. By observing and imitating adults, children learn from a young age that using a sink (or anything else for that matter!) instead of the toilet is inappropriate. Therefore, children learn many other social rules simply from observation and imitation. In the same way, adults then inherently know the correct rules and methods of going to the bathroom, making Angie’s actions ridiculous.

Just as contracts are often unspoken, contracts between parents and children are often misread and misunderstood. For instance, as a child, I unconsciously knew that my parents expected me to work hard, excel, and in turn, receive good grades at school. However, sometimes I imagined that my parents had outlandish standards, so I stressed out about particular assignments until I was very worried or exhausted. When I reached adolescence and was in high school, I remember talking to my mom one day about my struggle to succeed in my chemistry class. (I am definitely not gifted in science or math, by the way.) That day, I remember my mom reassured me, told me that I did not have to receive perfect grades, and that she received some poor grades in high school too.

Elkind further ascertains that there are three main contracts that parents have with their children. Freedom is given upon a child’s level of responsibility, achievement and support are provided, and parents also desire loyalty and commitment from children. One thing Elkind mentioned about infants that I found surprising is that they are not only attached to their parents, but they are truly loyal to their parents. One vivid memory I have that demonstrates this truth comes from a conversation my twin sister had with our kindergarten teacher one day. When the classroom electric pencil sharpener was broken, my sister told our teacher, “My dad can fix it! He can fix anything!” Our dad usually fixes things at our home and solves our car problems, so to her, this was a completely valid statement. Her trust and belief in our dad’s ability to fix mechanical problems at home and work imbued in her a sense of pride and complete faith that he could definitely fix the pencil sharpener. Our teacher told our mom the story, noting Rachel’s enthusiasm and complete trust in our dad. Although we have grown up, our dad still fixes most of the mechanical problems at our house, and my loyalty to his ability has developed from a strong commitment to his exceptional skills in repairing mechanical and electronic problems.

Also, parents often offer rewards and support for their children that are potentially harmful for children. Some children may come to believe that they are not successful if their parents do not acknowledge their achievements verbally or with tangible rewards. I must admit that I was sometimes envious of my peers as a child regarding this idea of rewards. Although many of my friends received money for getting good grades, my parents never rewarded me this way. The occasional ‘good job!’ and ‘you are working so diligently!’ were often communicated but never combined with monetary rewards. Looking back, I now know how this type of support is not necessarily beneficial. Although I was initially jealous, I realize my parent’s good intentions and how I benefited from not always receiving support contingent upon rules.

Growing up in a two-parent home, I never faced many of the contractual problems that Elkind described. I experienced stability in my family by having two parents, however, I know that this is not always the case for many children. While some single parents involve other adults to help mentor their children, some may place adult burdens on the shoulders of their children who are unaware of a different reality. Therefore, I wonder how often the help of mentoring adults balances the contracts in a single parent home. In the end, I really enjoyed reading this chapter because it was thought provoking and informative. I now clearly understand the benefits and disadvantages certain parenting practices have on the socialization of children.