This is our latest entry's author, Shayna Dobbins, her mom, and her little sister, Justine. Those of you who know Shayna must be able to tell which child she is -- though she's all grown up now, she is definitely recognizable! For those of you who don't, though, she is the blonde one. She said: "I have always loved this picture of us girls (before the boys came -- haha!). And my sister's sweater is to die for!"
I think you'll see that Shayna's entry is "to die for," too, as she's done a great job. It's the first of our three chapter 6 entries.
Shayna wrote:
The title of this chapter, “Growing Up Slowly,” sounds so lovely to us as adults. However, I dare many of you to remember your own childhood. Did you want to grow up slowly? I can honestly admit I did not want to grow up slowly. I thought that life began once I was an adult and was free. I vividly remember standing in front of the mirror at 10 years old and thinking, “What will I look like when I am 16, 25…?,” and so on. I was in a hurry. I wanted to be older and to be free. I honestly thought that freedom came once I was old enough to do the choosing and deciding.
Looking back, I think most of this had to do with having the parental role thrust on me at such a young age. I am the oldest of four, and I had a single mom doing the best she could to raise us to be healthy, productive, loving people. I would say she did a wonderful job, as I love my mom very much. I am sure if she had lived under different circumstances, I would have grown up much more slowly. My own mom was forced to grow up hurriedly, as she had me at only 17 years old, the day before classes for her senior year began. I am sure that she did not wish for me or my siblings to be forced to grow up in a hurried way. I know she did the best she could to teach us this. I am sure she must have subliminally enforced not having children until we were finished with school. She never blatantly told us that having kids at 17 was extremely difficult. She did not want us to think we were a burden to her. However, one of my goals growing up was to graduate school without getting pregnant (and it kind of worked -- ha-ha. As many of my classmates know, I am now pregnant, with my first child. She is due the week of graduation. My husband and I have been trying and planning for our baby, and she could not come at a more perfect time). Once I graduated high school and then graduated with my Associates Degree, I was already so proud of myself. I knew I had broken the cycle and this was extremely fulfilling for me.
Elkind mentioned that many teens have a personal fable. They believe that they are extremely special and that nothing bad will happen to them, because they are the hero of their own story. I am thinking perhaps this is what my mom was thinking when she was only 17. Perhaps she thought, “Those other girls get pregnant, but it can’t/won’t happen to me. I am special.” I can remember always thinking things happen to other people, but can’t possibly happen to me. This is clearly explained as the personal fable. I do not think only adolescents are victim to this thinking. There are many adults today who have the same thought processes. Seeing other couples get divorced, losing their homes, losing their jobs or being victims of hurricanes and earthquakes, I know many adults are thinking in terms of a personal fable: "That only happens to other people, not us."
I really appreciated the section in this chapter about gaining a sense of industry or inferiority. Elkind says that there may be a child growing up in horrible conditions, but perhaps a teacher or mentor can help that child realize her sense of achievement and help her gain a sense of industry. I am pretty sure that is the reason many of us are either child development majors, or just have a love of children. We all want to be the one that can make a difference. There is nothing in my mind that is better than knowing I may have helped someone realize that she is special. I have had many teachers and mentors who have helped reinforce my sense of industry. These teachers helped me, although many of them may have no idea the impact that they have made on my life. Sometimes it was something as small as a kind word in a time of need, or a teacher who truly took the time to let me know that he or she thought I had something special. I am fondly remembering being in 4th grade, and having a favorite teacher of mine tell me I should try out for the Math-A-Thon. I had never really thought of myself as being particularly good at math, but thought I would give it a try. I am very sure that because of this one suggestion I now have a love of math today, and have always thought of myself as being particularly good at the subject. When someone tells you that you are special, important, or that they believe in you, this can truly make an impact in your life. I know this is my ultimate goal in life, to reinforce a sense of industry, to help children know that they are special each in their own way, and to help children have the confidence in themselves to attain any of their goals, by believing in themselves.
Shayna,
ReplyDeleteI could not help but giggle as I remembered doing the exact same thing as you did when I was little. I also stood in front of the mirror many times and wondered what I would look like when I grew older. I also believed that growing up would be the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I did not even think about the challenges and responsibilities that came along with growing up and becoming an adult.
You talked about personal fables, which Elkind mentioned, and I agree with you. We like to always think that nothing will ever happen to us because it always happens to others. This almost gives us a “special” permission to do things. Because of our egocentrism, we like to live in our own little worlds and feel that nothing can harm us. It is not until we are faced with the consequences that we realize that we are not truly invincible and that we too are susceptible to everything that affects everyone in the world.
I also agree with the point you made about us wanting to be the persons that make the difference in other people’s lives. Just this weekend I went camping to a leadership camp with high school students, and I had that desire and drive to talk to every single one and try to make a positive impact in their lives. Right after the campers took off on Sunday, we had a staff debriefing and I could not have felt more satisfied after hearing what one of the staff members said. She had been a camper in the past and this time she was volunteering there for the first time as a staff member. She mentioned that she was very happy to be there, and that she remembered looking up to my older sister and I when she had participated as a student. That made me feel very very good because I felt that I did have an impact in someone’s life. It is an amazing feeling. This came to prove to me that you never know who is watching you, and there can be at least one person in your life that is looking closely at you; you have the power to make or break people with your influence. We really do have the power to create a sense of industry in children; hopefully every person in the world knew this, or at least acknowledged it, so that they could be more cautious about their actions around children.
Children’s self esteem can be made or broken with our actions. It’s the small little things we do that create huge impacts in children’s lives. Things that we may not even notice or take for granted may influence a child’s life for ever.
-Veronica Lua
Well first, I have to say that it is nice to meet another cycle breaker!
ReplyDeleteFor my family, 1985 was a very eventful year. My mom and dad got married in January, I was born in May and my mom graduated from high school in June. My mom has never complained about having me so young, but I know it had to be hard. She has always stressed how important it was for her girls (there are three of us) to go to college to be able to give our kids the things she and my dad were not able to give us. As I too graduated with my AA and transferred here to Fresno State to work on my BS, I realized something. They had no idea they had given all three of us more than any parent could and it required no college education what so ever. Both her and my dad provided all three of us with a sense of industry. Daily we were praised and made to feel special, and if we did something not praise worthy (as kids sometimes do) they would talk to us about it and guide us in the right direction, but always with love.
Same as you, I remember counting down the days until I was an adult, sure that it would be better than being a kid. As an adult you get to stay up late, drive all over the place, go out with friends and not have to ask permission... What I wouldn't give for a bedtime on occasion!
Maybe if we provide kids with more support and not rush them to be adults they would actually enjoy BEING kids. You think?
P.S. I also agree that your mom did a wonderful job, as will you!!
Shayna,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, that picture is so adorable! And those sweaters on your
sister looks awfully familiar (considering I had one very similar)!
After reading the chapter and your blog entry, I tried to think of a
time in my childhood where I thought about growing up slowly. I think I
was similar towards your thoughts about growing up, and the sooner I hit
18 the better! I always thought, "when I turn 18, I am going to move out
and get my own apartment." Once that day came around and my mom moved me
into my dorm at CSU Fresno, I cried like a 5 year-old girl on her first
day of kindergarten. Suddenly, I was all on my own and an official grown
up! SCARY!!
My mother was also a single parent raising three young daughters.
Unfortunately, our father decided not to be a part in our lives, so it
was a household full of women! In many ways I grew up fast, because I
was tending to my younger sister (who is three years younger than me)
and I always looked out for her. My sisters and I had the same routine
every day, and we spent a majority of our time with our grandparents. My
grandparents lived 5 minutes away from our house so they would pick us
up after school and we would go to their house where we followed the
following routine: come home, change out of our school clothes into our
play clothes, have a snack, do our homework and then play the night away
until dinner time! My grandparents played a pivotal role in my life, and
they were the people in our lives to encourage, support and guide us
when my mother was at work.
Being a child of divorce was something I thought could never happen to
me. This was my personal fable that Elkind discussed in the chapter. I
believed that nothing could break apart my family, and even when my
parents told us about the divorce, I thought they would remain good
friends. Unfortunately, this was not the fairytale I had imagined. I had
seen my friends' parents get divorced but they always talked about going
places with both of them. This was not the case for me and my sisters.
Although I thought this would never happen to my family, I had to deal
with the concept nonetheless. This caused me to grow up a great deal and
help my mother in many ways. I would cook and clean the house while she
was at work and make sure my younger sister did her homework. I do not
think this was something that was forced upon me or that I did not enjoy
my childhood. I wanted to do everything in my power to help my mom out,
and I still have this mindset to this day. My grandparents were my
mentors growing up. They believed in me and knew the potential I had in
school and other activities. (to be continued)
Continued from previous comment (it was too long apparently!)
ReplyDeleteMy grandfather especially was ultimate mentor. He guided me in many
ways, and encouraged me to do things that made me happy. When I first
started at Fresno State, I came in as a Nursing Major and the day I
decided to switch to Child Development, I was so nervous to tell my
family in fear that they would be disappointed. My grandpa only told me
to do what made me happy and what I thought I was destined to do. He
always knew how to make me smile and to make me feel special. In my
family, there are certain people that we are attached to. My older
sister shares a special bond with my grandmother and my little sister
shares a close bond with my mother. I shared a special bond with my
grandfather. Each of them make us feel special in our own ways, but the
individual people in our lives knew the EXACT way to make us feel
better. Unfortunately, my grandpa passed away last July from cancer.
This was the first major blow in my life, and it has still been really
hard to move on. My fam
ily has stepped in to fill the void that I feel now from my grandfather
passing and they are encouraging and supportive.
Although I am now an adult (and feel the pressure everyday!!) we still
need our parents for many reasons. They play a very pivotal role in our
never ending development. Having a supportive role in the life of a
child leads to a sense of industry. A child with a mentor, role model or
guide will be more likely to achieve many things in their lives. They
will obtain relationships better and have a better sense of self. So all
in all, I believe it is highly important to let children grow up slowly
and not burden them with a tremendous amount of responsibility. Let
children sense their own focus and responsibility in the way that they
want to.
I really enjoyed what you had to say. I think the best part is the personal stories you included to help get your point across. I think everyone has personal fables. I have a friend who had the same situation as your mom, well, almost. She was 17 when we graduated high school, and was 7 months pregnant at the time. Even though she had graduated, it was still something that was hard on her. Luckily, she is doing a great job raising her daughter just as it sounds like your mom did a great job with you and your siblings. I also agree that it is very important for us to be a kind of shining star in our student’s lives. We need to know to not take everything at face value because children are often hiding behind their problems at home. Pushing children that extra step, like your fourth grade teacher did, is a great way to keep our children motivated.
ReplyDeleteShannon Nash
Shayna,
ReplyDeleteTo start, I really enjoyed your blog entry. When I was a little girl, I too always looked forward to being older and to be able to make decisions on my own. For some reason I had the idea that it would be easier to be an adult. I wish that I would have enjoyed my childhood more.
One section that caught my attention in the chapter and your blog entry was when children get a sense of industry or inferiority. I agree with you that one of the reasons why we are child development majors is that we want to impact children’s lives. Growing up I had many teachers and people in my life that helped me gain a sense of industry. I ran track and field for ten years and there were many people that made me feel important. When I was in junior high, I was walking home from school when a UPS man stopped me. He asked me if I ran track and field and I said yes. He proceeded to tell me how great I did at my track meet the other night. As a junior high student, having a complete stranger recognize me and my accomplishment really made me feel important. I agree with you that it is important to help children gain a sense of industry and to make them feel special. To let them know that they are important.
Jessica Dean
Hey, Shayna,
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading your blog there were many good points that I totally agree with. “Growing up slowly,” the name of the chapter, just the thought of it makes me feel a profound feeling of how nice it would be if all these children ended up taking their time and enjoying life. Each and every moment counts and children should make the best of it. In our childhood we are anxious to grow up, and this is due to the parental control. As children we want to just skip through childhood and become independent without giving anyone a say about anything. You are not the only one who has had to grow up fast. Many people who I know live in single parent homes and need to grow up fast in order to watch their younger siblings. For example, my sister was just fifteen when she ended up pregnant, and my mother also got pregnant at early age. Since they had children at an early age, they had to grow up and become responsible parents. Not only did they have the responsibility of providing for their infants, but the emotional distress of knowing that now it was time to grow up. As I have watched and heard how difficult it was for them, all the pressure was on me. I thank them for pushing me and guiding me to where I am now.
In reference to the “personal fable,” it is so true that all children see themselves as inferior, and think nothing will happen to them if they do not want it to. It is like they believe they are the center of the world and only good things happen. They will never go through something unexpected, like losing their job, because they are better than everyone else. Their mentality is, “It won’t ever happen to me.” A good example of this involves my friend. She would say, “I am not dumb and will not end up pregnant,” but at the age of seventeen, she did. She would criticize all the other young girls who were getting pregnant, and ended up pregnant herself.
I also have some thoughts on the section about gaining a sense of industry or inferiority. I am a strong believer that in even the worst conditions, a child can be set on the right path. Simply telling a child, “You are great,” at the simplest thing makes a child feel a sense of accomplishment. It also sets them up for being distinct to others, which makes them feel good about themselves. If each person passes on a nice word to a child, making them feel they are good at something, we will have many more children accomplishing their dreams and staying out of the streets. Well, that’s what I believe…..
I can honestly say we “grew up slowly.” As young kids in the 1960s, we didn’t have all the pressures and technological gadgets and toys that my kids have now. We grew up in a two-parent home with a large extended family of one great-grandpa, four grandparents, thirty aunts and uncles, fifty first cousins (we saw weekly), plus great aunts and uncles and second cousins. All the elders were consistently telling us and reminding us to be kids for as long as possible, and we were. However, now my own thirteen year old, who is also growing up with a lot of extended family, is pressuring us to allow her to dye her hair and wear make-up. The rule in our house is no make-up till you graduate from eighth-grade. My daughter is currently in seventh-grade. The no make-up rule is one I grew up with and a rule her dad and I are sticking to. But, it is hard when the parents of most of her friends have allowed their daughter’s this privilege since sixth-grade -- and some since fifth-grade. They are allowed black hair dye, black nail polish, black thick-line eyeliner and even more. I tried to talk to her about how make-up doesn’t establish who you are and is just a small part of your personality. I even tried the “active listening,” but eventually resorted to the lecturing, advising, and suggesting, but, with positive encouragement, of course. We did finally agree she could wear pink nail polish and get a curling iron (of course I’ll have to check in at school to make sure she’s not sneaking it like one her friends is already doing). We, dad and I, don’t know how much longer this will work, but we are determined to stick to our “guns” in the hope that she will realize that there is more to her than make-up and hair dye. It has just become extremely difficult because when I take her to school, I see another one of her friends since kindergarten now wearing a thick line of black eyeliner and dyed black hair. They’re all in a hurry to grow up and she’s pushing for the same, and its scares the hell out of us. What happened to just going to school, having fun, and just being a kid?
ReplyDelete